Thoughts on the Book "It’s Not That Complicated: How to Relate to Guys in a Healthy, Sane, and Biblical Way"

My mom and I have recently been reading the book It’s Not That Complicated: How to Relate to Guys in a Healthy, Sane, and Biblical Way by Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin.  Many of you have heard me speak on purity, so of course, I also enjoy reading various books on this topic.  It is refreshing to me personally as well as often teaching me something new.  I wanted to share a few things that really spoke to me out of this recent chapter we were reading.  

One of the first quotes that caught my eye was, “The Bible tells us that our relationships with people are a litmus test of our faith.  For us girls, our relationships with the guys around us might be the best of all, because of the unique possibilities and temptations they bring up.” (pg 111)

Being around guys and for guys being around girls can awaken thoughts and desires that are God given; however, the enemy may use these God given desires to try to take them into unhealthy desires.  We have the choice to either respond with a Godly response or allow the enemy to distort it.  As for me personally, I find asking myself the question of “Am I treating this guy like a brother?” as a good guard.  That means that even if a guy has caught my attention, you cannot tell from my actions or attitude any difference in how I treat him from any other guys who have not caught my eye.  This wall of protection helps to keep my heart in align as I seek to fully give that area back to Yahweh and keep it a healthy desire surrendered to Him.  

Another thought provoking quote declares “When we think of the attributes of a bad woman, we usually think of immodest clothing or fluttering eyelashes or suggestive body language.  Proverbs mentions all of these, but her weapon it warns against the most – by far – is none other than her tongue. 

 “Girls who ‘virtuously’ restrict their coquetry to their words rather than their appearance or body language – whether flattering or taunting – don’t tend to call themselves flirts.  ‘I wasn’t making eyes at him, was I?’  but who are they fooling?  They’ve kept their biggest asset, the deadliest weapon in the Forbidden Woman’s arsenal.  They’re just using their words to do what they know they’re not supposed to do with their eyelashes.” (pg 95)

This made me think back to Camp Yeshua this summer.  I helped with the girl’s purity session, and one of the topics we discussed was that although we may dress modestly (look the part) and have not a heart of purity, we are not being modest.  I think the girls were surprised when I pretended to flirt while dressed as a lady (in a skirt which I wear all the time) at the difference they saw.  It was surprising even to me and showed how important the heart really is.  

I liked how Anna Sophia and Elizabeth asked various guys to share a few thoughts to help expound on their points.  “Timothy says… ‘We guys want to talk about important things - discipline our siblings, starting businesses, fighting the Lord’s battles – with our sisters in Christ (though we don’t always know how).  When a girl tries to appeal to our flesh, it’s pretty much impossible to go deeper, or frankly, to even want to.  We’d rather find someone who sees us, not as mindless animals to snare (Prov. 7:22-23), but as a human beings created in God’s image with the same purpose in life, weaknesses, and battles for holiness that she has.’ (pg 103)

“Rex says… ‘There are few things that a woman can do to more frustrate good men and set relationships on edge than dress immodestly.  If a young woman dresses sensually, she, whether wittingly or not, makes her attire the focal point of interaction with the opposite sex. A man who may genuinely care about her as a friend will find himself distracted by her dress. When he sees her, he will be wrestling with his thoughts, endeavoring to appropriately deal with the inappropriateness of her clothing, rather than having a relaxed interchange that would normally occur if she was dressed modestly. 

‘Women are worthy of respect, yet they disrespect themselves and invite further disrespect from men when they dress immodestly.  When women present themselves as an object of desire rather than a woman of modest dignity, they should not be surprised when men take the cues they give them.  While nothing excuses a man’s lust, if a woman dresses herself as a temptress, men will be tempted to think of her wrongly. If a woman wants to be thought of with respect, she should dress accordingly.’ (pg 104)

This book has been encouraging to me.  I had started it with my mom back in the spring, and then put it aside for a while.  It took me some time to figure out why…I finally realized why when I was talking to a friend here recently.  We were discussing how few guys there are who can have healthy interactions with girls.  But a girl appreciates a guy having a genuine friendship type interaction with her where neither of them are seeking something more…just pure relaxed friendship.  If it becomes something more, then it is only by Yahweh’s will and His direction in both of their lives.  My friend told me something interesting in response to this discussion, it depends on the maturity of the guy.  Is the guy mature enough to handle it?  And as my mom and I later talked about this, I thought it goes both ways – is the girl mature enough to handle it as well?  

So as we each seek to remain pure in our walk before Yahweh, may we seek to never defraud one another rather to “encourage each other, and build each other up.”  (1 Thessalonians 5:11)